Lyrics to "When I Go Down"

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

Desiring God National Conference

Since this blog is an attempt (albeit a sad attempt) to document my life, I thought I should add a quick post about the Desiring God National Conference. In October, Mom, Milly and I went to Minneapolis to hear some amazingly intelligent men speak on Christ and our postmodern World. The content fed me in so many ways and I continue to be nourished from the things that were discussed. I made a decision that weekend - I would go to the national conference every year, if possible. The great thing is that I can continue to hear several of the speakers via their podcasts. John Piper, for instance, has a weekly podcast - his Sunday sermon - desiringgod.org.

An mp3 and a blog of note

I've been trying, for a couple of days now, to post an mp3 on the site but as yet, have had no luck. It's a great track called "When I Go Down" by Relient K. The reason I wanted to post it was to document what I've been feeling this last week or so. I've been conscious of how important my past decisions affected this present I'm now living and possibly, my future. Particularly, I'm talking about the dating decisions that I made. I am really saddened by the poor choices I made and I think that maybe my current singleness is due to my stupidity and general lack of trust in God. Then, as write this, I think even this train of thought is just one more attempt to control my own destiny. At the end of the day, don't I believe that God knows everything that will happen in my life and my past has been foreordained by him just as much as my future will be? Is an obsession with past mistakes really helpful when I'm looking to the future? It's not as if I can change anything - all I can do is repent my poor choices and thank God for opening my eyes to the fact that they were poor choices.
Last night, I did read a really encouraging blog - it's called Girl Talk (http://girltalk.blogs.com/girltalk/) and it's a blog that is shared by a number of ladies in the Mahaney family (Carolyn Mahaney is wife to CJ who leads Sovereign Grace Ministries). One post I read answered the question of whether a girl should tell a guy that she is interested in him. That's always something I've struggled with because I'm the type of person who would rather just communicate my feelings that not. The sentence I liked best was something to the effect of: "Wouldn't you want a guy to like you enough that he's willing to talk to you about his feelings, or even get up the courage to talk to you at all without you having to encourage or entice him?" It's really true I think because doesn't that then set the precident for the rest of the relationship if you, the girl, end up pursuing the guy? I mean, from the get-go you've put yourself in a leadership/headship position and you're also trying to orchestrate things in not only your life, but in someone else's life too. So, it was a good thing for me to read because I do want to be with someone who has the courage to "court" me. I hate that word "courtship" because I think it's been beaten to death with the whole "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" movement (which does have it's truths and a degree of wisdom). So ya, the Girl Talk blog is interesting and I do like reading things from a Christian woman's point of view because I so often tend to read works by Christian males.